Domestic Violence: What. How. Why.

Hi everyone, welcome to the month of May. May God provide all your needs according to His riches and glory. Amen.

I was not planning to talk about this…at least not for now. But then, for some reason, I have been ‘forced’ to talk about it. The reason being that a lot of marriages breaking down these days (the ones I have read and seen and heard on social media) is due to domestic violence.

Now, let us briefly talk about what domestic violence is all about. Firstly, Violence comes in many forms. That is one thing we need to be clear about from the onset. It could be done emotionally, psychologically, physically, verbally among others. But normally, when we mention domestic violence our attention is drawn to the physical form of abuse which is ‘hitting or beating’ either of the spouse which is my focus today.

Recently, I was having a conversation with a group of friends when the issue of domestic violence came up. The focus of the conversation was that some women were the reason behind the abuse they suffer because they cannot control their ‘mouth’. Examples were even given of how some women verbally abused their husbands which in this case justifies abuse meted out to the wives. Of course, I disagreed with them. What we need to understand is that your wife or husband is not your child, he or she is rather your partner and as such should be treated as such! Of course I am not saying it is okay for a woman or a man to insult their spouses knowing fully well it is not the right thing to do. But I will also never find any tangible reason to justify any form of abuse.

So back to the conversation I was having with my friends…I told them that look…every kind of problem has a form of solution. But first of all what will lead us there? What causes us to get to the point where we have to raise our hands at each other? I have read many interesting points. I just mentioned one about either of the spouse insulting the other. Recently, the story of one Nigerian actress has gone viral on social media and amongst the rumours going round is that the husband beat her almost to death because she was caught cheating or better still she has been cheating. Now cheating (adultery) is NOT right. Infact it is a sin as stated clearly in the bible and also ONE of the reasons whereby divorce is permitted as stated in the Bible (unless you are willing to settle your differences). So assuming this is true, why would you think beating your cheating wife is the solution to the ‘cheating problem?’ Will the beating undo what has been done in the past?’ Will it make the situation any better?’ NO…it won’t.

There is a saying that goes…’If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’! It’s that simple. If you can’t stand a cheating spouse….divorce him or her. If you can’t stand the constant ‘insults’ you receive from your spouse…see if there is a way of fixing things like counselling or something. If it looks like it is ‘unfixable’, go your separate ways. I am not in anyway advocating for divorce at the slightest issue but honestly it is better that way than all these stories of domestic violence we are seeing on social media almost everyday! Because think about it…nobody wants to die early! Especially dying unfulfilled. Nobody goes into marriage to die but unfortunately many people especially women have died as a result of domestic violence. It really breaks my heart to see gory pictures on social media…Like My GOD!

You see, people say…you think it’s that easy to leave…it’s not that easy. But is it worth your life?…Just think about it. Many women also think about society will say. Especially in Africa where a woman’s worth is determined through her ability to maintain her marriage…but the last time I checked…marriage is not only for the woman but the man as well (It is a partnership). A woman is mocked for leaving an abusive marriage. As portrayed even in our movies, you find telling some parents telling their daughters…’You better go back to your husband’s house, no matter what he did he is still your husband’ without even trying to reason with you. HOW PATHETIC. This especially has given some men the upper hand to continue in the monstrous act of abusing.

The welfare of the children should even be an issue of concern. Why would you want to raise your children in an abusive home? I watched a movie where the couple lost their daughter in one of their usual fights when the man was on top of the woman beating her mercilessly only for the girl to be stabbed by a knife that was positioned upright. SMH. Apart from this, it is most likely that children who grow up in abusive homes end up being abusive in their future marriages. Thus, if we as a society do not treat this subject seriously this will become a never ending vicious cycle which will mar the next generation. The excuse given by some women that I have heard is ‘How will I be able to take care of the children?’ ‘Where do I start from? My sister…..START FROM SOMEWHERE! It is better to raise you children in a peaceful environment where they may not get access to all they want than to live in plenty but not have INNER PEACE…INNER PEACE is EVERYTHING! This is the reason why it is important for women to have a career going on and be financially independent of some sort before and in marriage so that in case of such incidents, they are not left stranded.

This may not be applicable to everyone’s case as I have heard things like ‘What if he changed after marriage?’ But one thing I have come to learn and understand is that nothing really changes in marriage. Whatever you saw in the person during courtship is amplified in marriage especially because you live together now. Thus, if you remain in a relationship with a man who slaps you at the slightest provocation, gets angry over trivial issues or shows signs of violence and you think you can change him, then GOODLUCK. The funny thing is when some women see such signs yet they still hold on and think they can manage. IT WILL BE WORSE IN MARRIAGE. Run for your life! People hardly change after marriage…however, if there is the case where genuinely the person was not violent before and all of a sudden became like that afterwards, then there is a PROBLEM which needs to be resolved. This is when you can get to the root cause of the problem and then seek ways to change it…because he is not like that…not the one you already saw signs of violence but got carried away by riches and fame and now wanting change for him.

I watched a video on Instagram today where one guy was talking about domestic violence and he said ‘There are many mad men who are rich’. Well, this is because most women today are attracted to material things other than the content of the person’s character. That is the reason why we women need to be watchful and very prayerful in the season of courtship and not end up marrying a beast in a human body. I have heard some men say they also suffer from domestic violence and that is mostly not talked about because they will be mocked as not being men enough. Well that is a silly thing to say because like I said whether man or woman, domestic violence is not justified in anyway. But this post is centred on women because truthfully, they are the ones who are mostly the victims of domestic violence.

I would like to end with the fact that I am very happy that many people especially celebrities are coming out these days to talk about their experiences of domestic violence. At least it gives their followers who may be going through such the feeling that they are not alone; encouraging them to speak up! At least we are getting somewhere. I also wish law enforcement is tighter on such issues. Whoever is responsible for domestic violence should be dealt with by the law! PERIOD!


Thanks for Reading. Please Let me Know Your Thoughts in the Comments Section.


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